A Picture

Sometimes, I kind of feel like this ^

Dancing

So I'm in this musical....

And I like it.  And it's funny. And it gives me a chance to perform. And it's keeping me busy. And I get to be in a fun cast.

...And I have to dance.

I'm a shitty dancer. (don't start your "you can't be that bad" speeches, just watch me; you'll agree) Our choreographer is an excellent dancer. (understatement) So, yeah...

...The dances are hard.

Tatem is really nice to me while she teaches me the dances. (Yay, encouragement!) But it doesn't exactly make me dance better.  I mostly just become much more aware of how painful it is for the eye to see my body awkwardly attempting to contort itself to the rhythm of each song. (That sentence was... wordy...) Believe me: It's pretty bad.  I blame genetics.  My Dad sucks too.  We both handle dancing in the same way...

By not dancing.

I get how the dances are supposed to work.  My brain knows exactly what it should be doing.  It's the rest of me that doesn't understand.   (that makes absolutely no sense... oh well)  Maybe that comes with experience and practice.... like Math!  Or it doesn't and you actually need a slight amount of talent... like every choice of career that I want to take in my life.

I kind of wish that I was forced to take dance classes when I was little. Instead I was forced into flag football.  (Mom, Dad, I love you guys, but the fact that I spent more time picking the grass than playing the sport, (while I was on the field, mind you) should have given you a slight hint of my future.  Just saying...)

I'm working on my dance skills.  I know people that can dance, and they'll help me.

Let's hope I can be helped.

 

(I noticed that I use the left margin a lot......... just an observation)

Insanity

I'm going crazy.  

.....No, seriously, I am.

To be completely honest, this summer has really (really really really) sucked so far. (there were maybe 4 or 5 good days) To start off, basically everybody dropped off the face of the earth the moment that May started.  I was expecting this. What I wasn't expecting was how isolated I ended up feeling.  I didn't really hear much from anybody. (I'm not mad at people for this, it was just... a strange shift)  And there was absolutely nothing to distract me.  I got a random text every once in a (long) while, but for the most part, I was stuck on facebook.  

I now dislike facebook.

I really hate it now. All you do is watch a fucking stream of posts and wish you were doing what your friends were doing at that moment.  It had become a constant reminder of how no one was around.

So naturally I've spent most of my time on it.

I get way too excited when I see that I have a notification.  'Maybe it's someone who sent you a message!' 'Maybe you were invited to something!' 'Maybe you just won the fucking lottery!' No.  None of those things happened.  It was a game request.  A fucking game request.  

Facebook needs to make a game that YOU DON'T NEED OTHER PEOPLE!

Also, I think that facebook made a HUGE mistake with showing when a person viewed your chat message.  There used to be the benefit of the doubt that people didn't ignore you, they just haven't looked at it yet.

Now I know better.

Now I know that I was just ignored. That pisses me off. It shouldn't, but it does.  It especially pissed me off recently.  I was given some possibly good information about an audition.  But I have NO FUCKING CLUE what I have to do to get it. All I know is that it exists.  I asked what I had to do. And the person has definitely seen the message... and hasn't responded.  It's driving me nuts. Really nuts. (Who told me of this  audition, and currently has that audition?  3 guesses.... I don't even want to say it. So I won't.) I just want to know if I really can get this audition or not. Is that wrong? (the answer is no... in case you were wondering)

So the other thing that has made me slightly crazy.  My older brother is home for the weekend.

Fuck.

He just knows what exactly to say to make me feel absolutely HORRIBLE!  I already have a terrible self image.  I don't need anyone to comment on how I'm not muscular, need a girlfriend, have only kissed one person, still live at home, et cetera, et cetera, fucking et cetera... (bet you weren't expecting ACTUAL LATIN in a blog post) 

Positive moment:  Less than ONE WEEK until Shelly and Selena get back to Cedar. 

...hopefully I'll make it.

I've Been Doing This Too Much...

Thoughts

I've secretly always wanted to be put into the Witness Protection Program.  (Yeah I realize your life has to be put in danger and stuff.... but still)  It would be interesting.  You basically get to start over. Completely.  You even get a new name.  I'm pretty sure it would never happen to me, but it's still something I think about.  What would I do with a blank slate?  How would I handle it?  Would I end up in a better or worse place than I am now?

There are so many things I want to change about myself, a chance to change who I am is well.... enticing. (I am grateful for what I have right now, I'm not complaining.  It's just a thought.)

There have been a few movies about people switching bodies, brains, personalities, lives, etc...  That's something else I've always thought about.  If I were to switch with someone, what would I do?  Well, I guess that depends on the person I switch with.  I can think of a few people I'd like to switch with..... eyup. (pop sound at the "p")  I heard a song (mostly because Josh never stopped singing it) about a guy who wanted someone else's life.  The song has been stuck in my head since... um... like... mid April.  Yeah.... So I've put a lot of thought into that idea.

I think what I really want is a change. Something that will give people a different opinion of me.  (It's odd, I know... most people generally like me... I don't want to be disliked.  Sometimes I just want ....different.)

Lists, Lists, and More Lists

Rather than making a series of posts that contain these lists; I thought it would just be easier to put them all down here! On one convenient post of lists!

Things I Love:

• Music
• Harry Potter
• Disney
• To be specific: The Hunchback of Notre Dame
• To be even more specific: The final note that Clopin sings in "The Bells of Notre Dame"
• The French Horn
• Oboes
• Acting
• Improv
• Improv
• Improv (Because 3 times is funny)
• My Friends
• Choirs
• SWITZERLAND!!!! (More happy than Disneyland)
• Showers
• Singing in showers
• Writing
• Star Wars
• Nerd Games
• Walking
• The point in the morning where the sun just came up, and no one is around
• Night time
• Thunderstorms
• Cooking
• Mary Poppins

Things I Hate:

• When an instrument is out of tune and someone DOESN'T FIX IT!
• Yelling
• People with the "Holier than Thou" attitude 
• My general appearance..... cough.
• Those tiny little scratches that don't need any medical attention, but sting like hell
• People who can't say things to my face
• Bugs. All of them. (Especially if they are anywhere near where I sleep at night.)
• Pickles
• Asking too many questions
• Impatience
• Ignorance
• Being alone
• Not having something to do
• Writer's block
• False hope
• Being ignored
• Being forgotten
• The phrase "Well I did think about inviting you, but I didn't end up doing so."
• Snow
• The moment you realize you are wrong in an argument
• Losing
• Playing basketball

Things I Want:

• Fame (who doesn't?)
• To look older
• Physical fitness (Working on it...)
• To move out
• Charisma (with well... women... when I'm actually trying)
• The ability to dance
• Someone that I feel I can talk to all the time, no matter what, for a long time
• A new wardrobe
• To be in a good Disney movie (none of that straight to T.V. shit)
• To be taken seriously
• To be seen as more than just comic relief
• Someone to discover the cure to Multiple Sclerosis
• Background music. All. The. Time.
• More male friends (Girls are fine... but I need to be... macho....? Sure, let's use that word)
• Children (not now, but at some point)
• People to GET FRICKEN BACK TO CEDAR! (Shelly, Josh, Selena, Natalie, Jane, Brie, Amanda, etc...)

Things I Need:

• Experience
• Money
• Time
• A healthier diet
• A place to move in to
• A better job than tutoring
• Medicine
• Gloves (so I stop killing my fingers)
• To find my ipod (I'm going a little bit crazy)
• A 3.8 to a 4.0 next semester

Fears:

• Deep water
• Spiders
• Overly-realistic masks
• Centipedes (Have you SEEN those things? It's like they crawled strait from HELL!)
• Losing people who I've become close to (in any way)

....I think that's about everything I wanted to list........... for now. (cackle)

Improv: Just Learn It

"Many people have the idea that to improvise you have to get up on a stage and 'make it up.' While it’s true that that’s the bulk of it, it could also be said that the bulk of driving is pointing the car, so let’s allow five-year-olds to do it. Bad idea. To master the art of improv can take many years, and a great understanding, not just of improv’s tenets, but those of many different disciplines. Because there are fewer parameters than any other performing art, one must be prepared for anything that comes your way. That includes forays into the worlds of writing, directing, design, dance, music, singing, mime, stage combat, and especially acting. Once you’ve got all of these down, then you can say that improv is easy."
--- Jeff Catanese, Improv Review

I recently did a show with a local high school improv troupe.   I always enjoy seeing what young improvisers do on stage, considering that I started my sophomore year of high school.  (I'm also still considered a very young improvisor since most people that I know who do it are like... 30... and I haven't even hit 2 decades yet) Some of these kids were extremely talented.  It was quite surprising.... On the other hand.... well.... there were other people on the troupe.  

You could tell that a few of these kids thought that they didn't have to try to understand improv.  They thought that all you had to do was say "poop" (yes... poop.) on stage to get a laugh, and that was just good enough. I have an extreme distaste for anyone that takes this route on a stage.  If you are on a stage and the only word that comes to your mind is poop... you better damn well keep your mouth shut unless that scene calls for it. (And it really has to call for it...) If your the kind of person that thinks the only way to get a laugh is to use blue humor, (although I do admit sex can be funny if used appropriately) then get the hell off of any stage you were planning on performing and start a crappy stand up routine at a bar. 

Improv isn't that hard to learn, but that doesn't mean you can skip the learning process.

Childhood

I can honestly say that I cannot wait for the day that I have a child of my own.  I love children. (In a totally not creepy way) There are so many days that I wish I were a child again myself.  Of all the things that I hold dearly, my inner child is the thing I protect the most.  Whenever I'm around a child, I'm reminded of this.  I think the most important thing in life to remember is to be a child.

Why? Why would that be more important than an education, a job, or making money? Don't you need that to survive?

Yes. Yes you do.  But being a child is more important, trust me on this one. I know what I'm talking about.

First and most importantly: A true child will never lie. (But kids lie all the time, they don't want to get in trouble don't they?) If a child reaches the point where they learn to lie, they are no longer in the state of true childhood.  Because the moment you learn to lie, is the moment where you start paying attention on how to please others rather than yourself.

Lying is one of the most idiotic concepts on the face of this planet. (I'm not saying I've never lied, you have to have done something quite a bit to understand why you don't like it... like eating pickles) The only reason we lie is so we don't get judged by others and possibly punished. (Punishment can take place in a number of ways: guilt, prison, sadness, loss of trust, etc...)  Why should we even care?  It was our choice, we should stick by it.  I was babysitting one of my neighbors children once. I was told that the little girl was not allowed to have a cookie until she had dinner.  Of course after about an hour of babysitting I noticed that a box of cookies was conveniently opened on the counter.  This little girl knew that she would be punished for having a cookie.  She had every reason to lie. I called her over and asked if she had one.  She gave me the strangest answer:

"No, I had four!"

Needless to say; I didn't punish her.  I was too perplexed.  This child learned that it was better to follow her wants and own up to them, not hide them.  That, I think, is the most amazing thing that a child does.

Second:  A child is the most talented improvisor that anyone will ever find. Ever. (or they have a really good imagination... same difference) Because they don't care who's watching; if they want to be a firetruck, then they are going to be a firetruck dammit!  I've been improvising for a while and still can't fathom how to truly do that.  It's so easy! And it's because they don't care!  I could have a flawless firetruck imitation, one that would fool people into thinking that I was a real one.  That wouldn't stop a child from saying his firetruck impression wasn't as good.  A child knows their abilities and how to best use them; so they never will compare themselves to others, because there is no point to doing that for them.   

I've noticed that the best actors, are the ones that do exactly that.  They stop caring about critique and just do their own thing. (I'm definitely still working towards getting to this point...)

Third: A child knows how to make friends trust.  It's a sad thing to know that people abuse this incredibly pure thing that a child does.  Children trust others.  They can't help it.  People are too much fun to not trust them and not befriend them.  When I was little, I went to a park. At this park there was a very creepy hobo.  I made friends with him. It was as simple as that.  We talked, and we had fun. (I'm not saying that everyone should go around befriending hobos but still.... there's a lesson there)  I wish all people trusted in this way, I think everyone would be a lot happier.

(Terrible? Yes. Hilarious? Also yes.)

My Summer So Far Actually...

....Yeah. That basically sums it up....

Message In a Bottle

(Well, it's been a while, hasn't it?)

First of all: I absolutely love this song. (*Sings to self* Sendin' out an S.O.S... Sendin' out an S.O.S......) Don't know it? That's okay, you probably grew up in the 90's. (I did too, don't be ashamed)

I was recently asked to describe myself... using an object... (improv workshop....) After a good 56.7 seconds of contemplation, (I estimated the time, in case you were wondering) I came up with this answer: A bottle.

Yes. A bottle.

....I hold in a lot of my thoughts.  It's fairly unhealthy. I've recently come to a realization that I need to say what I really want to say to people....  Currently everyone is gone for the Summer, so I'm going to say these things on the internet, without using names, so I can keep people guessing as to who I'm "talking" to.  (I'll talk to actual people when they're actually around to listen.)

I've put the statements into categories, to make it easier.

To all the girls I have had or still have a crush on:

• I would drop everything to date you.  I've been saying this for 4 years.
• I like you, but I know we'd never date.
• Don't tell me that I can find some one, it's not making me feel better when I'm around you.
• I'm actually okay with the fact you friend-zoned me.
• You're a backstabbing, two-faced bitch. I don't know what I ever saw in you.  I'm glad nothing ever happened, you probably would have used me anyway.
• I'm a guy, you know. And I kind of fit those requirements you just told me.  .....nope? Not even gonna think about it? ...great.
• I tried doing the whole ignoring thing... it didn't work on you... wanna go to a movie?
• I'm not as good at that whole flirting thing as *ahem* others are.  So I make lots of jokes and get really sarcastic.  Sorry if I accidentally offended you.
• Every time you make a nerdy comment you become 10 times hotter. Please stop being in a relationship.

To my friends:

• "You seem really out of it today." Should be followed by the statement: "Want to talk about it?"
• When I say I'm not mad at you... I'm really not. But I will be if you keep being paranoid about it.
• If I ask to talk with you, and I seem serious, don't just blow me off.  It makes me feel worse.
• If I didn't text you back, it doesn't mean I hate you. It means that I'm a lazy person.
• I have ignored 3 calls.  It means I am not answering my phone today. Not that you have to call 11 more times.
• Thank you for listening to me.  You may think that you didn't really do anything, but you did.
• I am so incredibly jealous of you.... But you make me do everything I can to improve myself. Thanks.
• Lucky bastard.
• I'm asking you if you want to talk. If you don't that's fine, but don't get mad at me for not trying harder to get you to talk.
• I like the times where I don't have to say anything and still have fun.
• NO.
• I don't want to watch a movie with you and your significant other.
• You don't ever listen to me, yet you expect me to listen to you? Go fuck yourself.
• I lied to you. I'm really sorry.
• I lied to you. I'm not sorry at all.

To the general population:

• I have given up on people. Thank you man kind.
• I've stopped really caring about things... and that terrifies me.
• (Flips the Bird) SCREW YOU STARLIGHT MOUNTAIN THEATRE!!!
• Give me ALL the attention!
• I have very much begun to hate people. Thanks again man kind.

 There's a few more things I would like to say... but I think I'll keep them inside just a bit longer.

(Look up this song. It's catchy.)

BFA(sshole)

I got into the BFA.  I am now a Big Fucking Actor.  And I kind of feel like shit about it.  ...I don't feel like I deserved it. I pretty much feel like I got the good side of favoritism.

My issue with favoritism:

• In high school, my drama teacher loved me.  She was absolutely crazy about me.  So I got parts in plays.... Without really even trying....  I HATE THAT!  I never felt accomplished about my auditions.  My senior year, I was able to go to the UTA conference with my school.  They had auditions for colleges there that seniors could go to.  My school could only take three seniors.  So my teacher held auditions for the seniors to get one of the three slots.  Four of us tried out.  We got to watch each others auditions.  Three of us (including me) got the slots.  The best actress out of all of us did not get the slot.  Why? She wasn't a favorite.  She had a BRILLIANT audition; some of the greatest acting I have ever seen. (including after seeing some of the acting in college)  I was going to let her have my spot, but I didn't.  I'm still mad at myself for that. I felt like I wasn't talented and I was riding off of being liked by a teacher. 

This is how I feel right now.  Peter likes me. I spend time in his office. (not to suck up, I hate being that guy) I feel like I got in purely because of that factor... There are a ton more people that put more work into it and deserved it more than I did... Or at least that's how I feel about it. 

I probably sound like an ungrateful bastard right now.

Friends say I got in because I worked hard... But still......meh.

I hope this is why I got it. I REALLY hope so....

An Experiment

I've recently been working a lot on a play called Body Image.  What's it about? (Three guesses...)

...body image. (if you actually took three guesses, hit the little red "X" on the corner of the screen, the rest of this blog is way too smart for you...)

I've been having a lot of issues with my own confidence, self image, self worth, etc...  And frankly, (love that word) I'm sick of it.  Now I know that this isn't something that I can simply just wish away.   So I'm going to try something.  I have a full-body mirror.   I am going to make a list of everything I like or dislike about myself. (Yay, list! Natalie, you have made me into a list fan...) I don't know how this is going to make me feel, but I just want to get my thoughts out of my head and out to somewhere.  (These may consist of just how I look or I may go more deeply into my personal thoughts that I like and dislike.... it's an adventure.)

• I like how my hair looks right now
• I like that I have a widow's peak
• I hate how my acne confines itself to just my forehead
• I hate how big my nose is
• I hate my mexi-stache
• I like that facial hair is making me look older
• I hate that my cheeks aren't filling in and that I'm pretty much stuck with a chin strap
• I like that I don't get a horrible neck beard
• I think my ears, although slightly off balance, look good
• I like how thick my eyebrows are
• I hate that it could become a uni-brow without proper taming
• I have nice cheek bones
• I wish I had blue or green eyes
• I wish I had blonde or at least lighter hair
• I wish I were about a foot taller
• My lips don't look that bad
• I like that I can make funny shapes with my tongue
• I can cock my right eyebrow... it's awesome
• I hate how desperate I am for attention
• I hate how thin my arms are
• I need to work out more
• I like that I have an x body shape
• I hate that I bite my fingers into oblivion
• I hate that I'm not muscular
• I hate when I sit down that my belly wrinkles up and looks flabby
• I hate that I'm not really that strong compared to other men
• I love how fast of a sprinter I am
• I'm good at being hard to catch (I'm like slippery or something...)
• I hate my gigantic, Puerto-Rican, ass
• I hate how weird that last item sounds being that I'm a man
• My calves look good when I flex them
• I need to tan my legs, I've been wearing jeans too long
• I hate the callouses on my toes because shoes don't fit me well
• I hate how rough my ankles are
• I have a nice dark tan
• But I wish I had lighter skin
• I hate being 5 foot 7
• I want a better vocal range
• My voice is too high sounding
• I wish I could get rid of the random scars I've acquired over the years
• My neck looks good
• I hate how awkward I make myself around girls
• I love how easily I can make a friend
• I hate how idiotic I can be to my friends
• I hate how I've stopped truly caring for everything
• I love how well I can perceive emotion
• I hate that I've learned to use that against people
• I love how funny and witty I have become
• I hate how much I dwell on my past
• I hate how jealous I get of people
• I want to be more assertive
• I want my own sense of fashion, not my older brother's
• I wish I looked good in leather
• I want all my dress shirts to be fitted
• I want cooler jeans
• I want a nice pair of running shoes
• I want a pair of gym shorts that doesn't look weird to me
• I need to work on my posture
• My shoulders are really tense
• I don't like the way I look
• I hate how I keep saying that
• I want to switch lives with other people
• I want what I cant have
• My teeth aren't that bad

I can't really think of anything else right now...
So... Yeah... I feel... a bit relaxed...? ....I guess...

On Women...

For a guy that has a 4 to 1 ratio on female to male friends I really have no idea how to work with women.

This is a problem.

When I say work I don't mean like a job, I mean like... well... you know... (awkward gesture) ...that.  And I know I have the ability to flirt and be entertaining, (in an attractive way...?) just when I'm not consciously trying to do it.

Also a problem.

I also think that I have fairly (extremely) high standards. (I'm kind of a shallow bastard) I like brunettes (usually) that are intelligent (always).  Meaning I want our conversations to be the opposite of this: 
"What kind of make-up should I wear today?" "That one" "Ok, (insert god-awful cutesie nickname here)!"
I want almost every conversation to contain more than three sentences and somehow end up quoting some famous, smart, dead person. Yeah (sexy) intelligence.  She also needs to be able to take my sarcasm.  I can be brutal.  And well... yes I'm a bit of an ass for saying this... I guess image isn't everything... but it's pretty damn well important.  I do not want a twig.  Curves are nice. Being shorter than me? A requirement. (Horrible? Probably. Practical? Definitely.) Being comfortable in their own skin is also nice.  Confidence. Yeah (sexy) confidence.  She must also be a nerd. An actual nerd. She needs to at least know D&D references.  THAT kind of nerd. Yeah (sexy) nerdness.

One more thing.

Nothing on this planet makes me more attracted to a girl than a really (really) hard head.  I want to argue... and lose.  I want a girl that has such a strong opinion on everything that she has to let it be known.  She needs to have a ridiculous amount of willpower.
So, I guess (know) my standards are high.

Again: problem.

So here's my issue.  There's this girl. (yes, story time) I don't really know her. But I figured: I have no luck with the girls I already know, why not try one I haven't really talked to yet?  So... yeah. She's in my voice and diction class... She's attractive. And sarcastic. And Attractive.  I first realized that i was interested in her on Friday. Yes, this past Friday.  I went into the Adam's to practice a monologue, and, at the exact same time, she did the same thing on the lower level.  We had a conversation.  For an hour. We probably would have kept going, except Josh heard my voice (it's distinctive and loud, apparently) and came up. (it's an outdoor theatre, it was bound to happen)  So right now you're probably thinking that I'm going to segue into yet another Josh rant...  You are correct! (it'll be short, I promise)  ...She's snogging him.

Problem.

It's for a scene.  I want it to stay that way.  I made sure Josh knows this.  Hopefully he keeps it that way.  (I know that he won't try anything but... things happen.) It's just a stage kiss (make-out) thingy.  I should be okay.  Regardless, I need to make a move... soon.  Here comes my next big thing. I have kissed a total of one (you read it right: one) girls. (I made it plural so it sounds like more... it doesn't) I don't count stage kisses; if I did, the total would be 4. 

A rather large problem.

Needless to say, I have a lack of experience. ("a lack of" means none whatsoever)  I don't know how to be a good kisser.  And if  do end up kissing this girl, (PLEASE GOD, PLEASE LET IT HAPPEN!!! ...cough) she now has Josh to compare me to. (30 something girls for experience... shit)  How do you get better? You kiss girls. (or practice on mannequins... but I don't think they can match my needs emotionally...)

Problems. Problems everywhere.

A good thing (ellipses, question mark): I am currently cast as a character in a piece called Body Image.  The first scene begins with a (rather extensive) make-out session.  The girl who I do it with is engaged. (awkward, but at least I know she has experience) So I'm getting practice. (this paragraph just took a turn for the creepy...) So far, if I were to take a test, I would fail.  Miserably.  (practice makes perfect...?) Enough of this.

So...

...how can you tell?  If a girl wants to kiss you? ........Anyone?  Thought so. 

You guessed it: problem.

(This is a post that I'd like comments on, for advice... so yeah... do that)  I am going to ask her out. (straitens back, confident gestures) I will. Yes. For sure. Yes.

Yes.

Wish me luck.

Paranoid Frank is Paranoid

I've been over-thinking and worrying about everything in my life lately:

• What if I'm not right for the roles I have recently been given?
• What if, after summer, people that I enjoy hanging out with don't want to hang out anymore?
• What if people start treating me differently?
• What if it looks like I'm just trying to copy my friend, rather than being myself? (We're similar, it's odd.)
• What if I don't get into the BFA? (I guess it's not that big of a deal, but still...)
• What if I change?
• What if the person I change into is someone who disgusts me?
• What if I'm starting to get annoying to others?
• What if my friends don't want me around them anymore now?
• What if I don't get a new job for the summer?
• What if I can't get over my confidence issues?
• What if I start getting jealous again? (Oh yeah, my jealousy has gone down since last I talked about it.)
• What if I lose control of myself?
• What if the side effects that I've read about happen? (Different story, for another time.)
• What if I'm not cared about?
• What if I lose my friends? (If you can't tell, I've been worrying about friendship... a lot.)
• What if I can't move out in the fall?
• What if I'm overreacting?
• What if something is wrong and I can't help it be right?
• What if I end up looking needy to people?
• What if I've been smothering my friends?
• What if I never get a girlfriend?
• What if I make the wrong choices? 
• What if my negative thoughts and emotions are right?

A lot of these worries seem ridiculous, I know.  But they exist. They keep creeping into my mind, and I try to push them away, but they keep coming back...

I don't know what to do with myself.  I feel numb... and I hate it...

 (Sad I know... Not seeking pity with this picture...just... yeah.)

In other, less sad, news: Today I was told I looked hot. Twice. 

(Booyah!)

Ugh...

This has been my last fortnight. (that's two weeks, for those that don't know... I love being able to use that word)

Stress sucks... You know what makes it worse? Waiting for an answer.

What's worse than that? Finding the answer.

Melancholy: Better Than You May Think

I have found a new place that I can be alone with my thoughts.  It lets me be in my melancholy mood.  I don't usually let others see this mood. I'm usually highly energetic, always laughing and poking fun at life.  So when I get in this mood others act really strange around me.

Believe me when I say this: I like this mood.

When I'm feeling melancholy, I delve into my imagination.  Further than I ever usually go.  I can't stay in this mode too long because it is depressing.  I tend to wish my false reality that I dream up would come true... But it would never happen... But I love the fact that it exists in my head.  When I become melancholy I allow myself to just let go of reality, just for a little while, and be exactly what I want to be.

Others don't understand it. I don't expect them to

.

I know that if I stay in this state too long, it can be incredibly unhealthy.  So I've singled out my melancholy to one specific spot.  I think it fits for me, considering it's an area where almost nothing but imagination can take place.

If you find it, and find me there, you're welcome to stay. Just know I'll act different.

It is a sad mood; sometimes I just want to be sad.

(Look up this personality type, it explains me and exactly what I'm talking about)

Only Read This if You Are Not Yet Annoyed By My Josh Rants

GOOD FUCK I HATE THIS!  He was fucking cast as a fucking lead for Starlight! (yes I am ranting about this now, yes I am being quite stupid about this, yes the rant will be self-hating and possibly depressing... I'm pissed off, deal with it) No one else has been cast yet, but he, in his all Godly talent, (sarcastic seethe) managed to land a LEAD!  Not to mention they want to give him another one of the main characters in one of the other fucking plays. The worst part about this? I was right fucking next to him when he found out! I HEARD THE DAMN THING HAPPEN!!!!!  (angry whisper) I had to hold myself back so as to not attack him out of a sheer jealous rage.  I am being so incredibly and inexcusably stupid right now, I should not be acting like this. Frankly I am embarrassed with myself for how I'm treating this situation. (he's my friend, I should be happy for him... but instead I'm loathing him for it... I'm an idiotic wreck) It's ridiculous that I'm even typing this right now!  I just need to put it down somewhere, anywhere really. 

I have been told I have nothing to be jealous of when it comes to Josh.  I disagree. I HAVE A SHIT TON TO BE JEALOUS OF!!! (I'm just a teensy bit over dramatic about it... or I just talk about it too much...) I have completely lost faith in myself. Yes, I know that there is still a chance I'll be cast in Starlight. But I think that most (all) of my hope has been drained away.  (I need a shoulder to cry on, but I'm a little too proud to admit it out loud, and I don't want to waste anyone's time with my own problems...) I don't know what's wrong with me.  I know that theatre is what I want to do with my life, but am I good enough for it?  ...I don't know how to answer that question anymore...

Fuck.

(Me, right now)

Today has been a really shitty day. Sorry for the profanity.

...I'll try to be more positive later. I promise.

In Other Words, Improv...

Regardless of how I felt about my Spring Break there was one redeeming quality of the vacation: The Improv.

It was spectacular! I've seen quite a bit of improv in my life, but the shows that I saw this week are the best that I have ever seen. 

I even got to see a main stage performance in iO west. I had an improvgasm.  There is no other word to explain the feeling.  (The owner of the place snuck me in to see the show because you have to be 21 to go in... but he really liked me and my improv and wanted me to see his group. Fuck Yeah!)

Improv. It was beautiful.

(I saw this and laughed unusually hard...)

Rantception

This week I had a completely unexpected trip to California.  I was happy for it.  And I'm very glad I went...  for the most part...  Don't get me wrong, I greatly enjoyed not having to stay alone in Cedar... just... Okay let me explain:

(Begin rant 1) This Monday one of my best friends from high school asked if I wanted to take a trip to L.A. for Spring Break.  I, being desperate for something to do, said yes instantly.  Now, this friend, she has been one of my closest friends for quite a while. She actually was the person who got me started doing improv. (so yeah, she's kind of important in my life) Thus, (I just used "thus" in a sentence...) I was very excited to go to L.A. home of two of America's greatest improv venues: iO West and The Second City.
The fact that I was going with my best friend: Awesome.
No parents/authority figures: Great.
Realizing that me and my friend have grown quite far apart: Suckish.
It's sad.  What's sadder? She didn't realize that anything was wrong.  It caused quite the awkward trip.  We still had fun.... I just didn't have as much fun as I thought I would.  As the trip went on, I began to question myself as to why we had grown apart.  One thought came very quickly to my head.  Her boyfriend... who she wouldn't stop texting... for even one moment.

(Enter Rant 2) I HATE HER BOYFRIEND! I mean it. I hate 

Justin Blank Blankblank. (I added the blanks, that's not

 actually his full name) I hate him with every fiber of my being.

(Now the short, but totally necessary, Rant 3) I don't

hate people.  I don't like to at least. I feel that hate is 

an emotion that shouldn't exist in this world. That is not

saying that I'm a "love all people completely an utterly"

hippie kind of guy.  I still dislike people.  I just don't 

hate them.  It's not really necessary.  And hate only 

leads to suffering (If you named the movie that that

 was from, and you're a girl; marry me. Now.(It was 

Star Wars, by the way)) So, yeah... for me to say I hate

 some one, it's kind of a big deal. To me. (Close Rant)

(Return Rant 2) This man is an ass. He's a jerk to my friend.

And to me.  He's also in the theatre department. (He's not very

good... at all.) So of course he has to critique me. In everything.

When I don't ask for it. I don't understand why they are even 

dating.  He doesn't treat her like she needs to be treated.

He puts down all of her ideas, makes her drive him everywhere,

(lazy bum) mooches off all her cash, and, the worst of all,

hates improv and tries to get her to stop doing it. (she loves 

improv, it's not just me overreacting)

(Rant 4) I do not have any 

feelings for my friend. 

(don't deny it, I know you

 thought about it) She's just

my friend, and that is all she

 will ever be. You know, 

she's that one friend that you

 would never dream of

dating because you know

 them way too well. So,

Yeah... (End Rant 4)

(Back to Rant 2) So overall, I really hate this man and

the effect he has on my friend.  Sadly, I am way too nice

to actually say anything to her about him.  (pathetic? I think yes)

He's changed her quite a lot, and I really don't like it.

(Close Rant 2)

(Finally back to Rant 1) After I thought about that single reason, I realized the one true reason. We've both changed. It's weird to think that only a year ago, everything between us was fine.  But I guess that's the way that life is. (End Rant 1)

I still had fun. I am glad I spent the time with my friend. I am sad that it's probably one of the last times we'll really spend time together.  But it's okay. I know that we'll still be friends, and that we can still have fun together. It just won't be exactly the same....

Now I just need to wait for her to realize this too...

(The picture is sappy and quite girly, I know. I just can't get that little song out of my head... If you don't know what song I'm talking about, you never saw the television of my childhood.  Too bad for you.)

Smile Frank, Smile.

I've been rather depressed lately, so I went on the internet and found pictures. Anything that made me laugh I saved to my computer. This is what I found:

I need to remind myself to smile more often. It's nice.

Green is Not My Color

I'M JEALOUS!  And I'm ashamed of it... Because I really shouldn't be.  But I am.  I have many good qualities, but I don't focus on them.  Instead I look at all of my lesser qualities. It's a little bit masochistic. Okay, a lot a bit masochistic.  Who am I jealous of? Well... I have a list... (Sad, right? You know what's sadder? The fact that I'm going to put this list on a blog post.)

• People in couples
• The other members of Off the Cuff
• The upper class-men in the department
• Most of my peers
• My older brother
• Anyone that is doing anything for Spring Break
• People who are taking a class from MELINDA FREAKING VAUGHN!!!! (She's that big of a deal)
• People who do well in Costume Construction class
• Any person with a slight skill in any type of dancing
• People who got call backs for USF
• Flexible people
• People that are in better shape than me
• And (the one I hate myself for most of all) Josh...

The fact that this list consists of more than 3 items (it's 13... I counted) is, frankly, ridiculous.  I'm especially mad at myself for the last item on this list.  I don't understand it.  He's one of my best friends in the department yet I have this horrible, biting jealousy for him.  He's pretty much good at everything that I want to be good at.  Everything! I hate it.  I can't help but feel jealous.  The main thing that gets to me is this: he's good with women.  I am not. (Most definitely not)  He doesn't even try. It fucking just HAPPENS for him!

You know the worst part about this jealousy is right now? ...He's single. ...Well shit. How the hell can I compete with that?
I'm being quite stupid about this, I know. But I just can't help it...

I'm being an idiot, and I need to stop.

Well, I've Never Said No to Flattery...

I have a fan club.  

It's cool to think about... until you realize that they are all middle school children... then it's creepy.  

It's a nice little confidence boost though.  I've been needing one of those.

And it's not a bad thing.

Just odd...

...But everyone likes flattery.

yeah...

Nothing Can Ruin a Friday

I have a lot of things that have been troubling me lately:

• I'm having extreme amounts of jealousy towards a good friend
• My current friend-zone rate is at 100%
• I'm feeling quite depressed
• I'm doubting my own abilities
• I have a terrible self-image
• I'm still living at home
• I'm lonely
• I hate my job
• Waiting for audition results is killing me
• The initial confidence that I had at the beginning of the semester has vanished completely
• I'm allowing my emotions to crush me
• People make me angry
• My older brother and I haven't talked pleasantly in over 4 months
• Costume Construction
• Girls I like end up being attracted to my friend rather than me (see first item)

Despite all of these things, today, I'm happy.  Why? Because today, this wonderful day, I get to improvise.  I get to forget about everything that is bothering me and have two, glorious hours of performance.

Improv is my stress relief.  Weird, I know.  ("His stress relief is putting himself in a state of complete vulnerability? What a weirdo...")  Yes. Yes I am.  I like feeling that vulnerable because I'm never that way around others.  I don't show my true emotions to everyone all the time and I usually lock them inside of myself.  But not when I improvise.  I get to release every thought, feeling, musing, rant, and scream that I usually want to give throughout the week without any bad consequences.  NO ONE will judge it.  EVERYONE will love watching it. It's liberating.  And this liberating feeling: it's mine, and not a single person, no matter how good-looking, charming, well-liked, pretty, rich, kind, mean, unpleasant, passive aggressive, depressing, or talented they are, can take it away from me.

I love improv. I'm kind of obsessed.






 Improv is my chocolate.

My First Word Vomit

I've been in a rather depressing/self-hating mood lately so, yeah... here's my word vomit:

I’m not really good at flirting; at least, when I’m trying to flirt. I don’t get how people *cough* Josh *cough* can naturally do it so fucking well. Every time I try I just end up feeling hopelessly awkward.  So then I close up and get in my head.  How the hell do you practice flirting so you don’t make a fool out of yourself?  I think I only feel awkward because the girl doesn’t flirt back… because I’ve been friend-zoned… how do I get the girl to flirt back?   …I look like I’m 12.  I want to look older.  Maybe that’s why.  I look (and act) more like a younger brother to girls.  That would explain the lack of romantic interest the female population has for me.  I’m just weird… and awkward… and an idiot.  Sometimes I get the feeling that people don’t actually want to be around me but they’re too nice to say so. Okay not sometimes, all the time.  I kind of just show up and awkwardly follow people around. Then I just stand silently in conversations because I’m not exactly that interesting. So I look and feel out of place.  Then I try to say something and no one really listens to me… so I just stay silent the rest of the time because my thoughts were confirmed: no one actually cares …great.  I’m not really assertive.  I need to change that.  Stupid.  I’m constantly afraid of losing these new friends I have made.  At least, I’m pretty sure we’re friends… it’s not like many people really go out of their way to hang out with me…  I hate my life.  I’m just lonely, all the fucking time.  It’s great when I end up hanging out with people, but they can’t hang out all the time; I shouldn’t expect that of them.  I want to be the center of someone’s attention.  Just one person… is that too much to ask?  I’m going to be so depressed during spring break.  Everyone is probably leaving. I haven’t been invited to do anything, because no one seems to want me around right now… or ever. So I’m going to be stuck at home… hating everything.  I’m praying for that outcome to change. But it probably won’t. Why? Because life sucks, that’s why.  

And now a funny picture, to cancel out the negative: