Paranoid Frank is Paranoid

I've been over-thinking and worrying about everything in my life lately:

• What if I'm not right for the roles I have recently been given?
• What if, after summer, people that I enjoy hanging out with don't want to hang out anymore?
• What if people start treating me differently?
• What if it looks like I'm just trying to copy my friend, rather than being myself? (We're similar, it's odd.)
• What if I don't get into the BFA? (I guess it's not that big of a deal, but still...)
• What if I change?
• What if the person I change into is someone who disgusts me?
• What if I'm starting to get annoying to others?
• What if my friends don't want me around them anymore now?
• What if I don't get a new job for the summer?
• What if I can't get over my confidence issues?
• What if I start getting jealous again? (Oh yeah, my jealousy has gone down since last I talked about it.)
• What if I lose control of myself?
• What if the side effects that I've read about happen? (Different story, for another time.)
• What if I'm not cared about?
• What if I lose my friends? (If you can't tell, I've been worrying about friendship... a lot.)
• What if I can't move out in the fall?
• What if I'm overreacting?
• What if something is wrong and I can't help it be right?
• What if I end up looking needy to people?
• What if I've been smothering my friends?
• What if I never get a girlfriend?
• What if I make the wrong choices? 
• What if my negative thoughts and emotions are right?

A lot of these worries seem ridiculous, I know.  But they exist. They keep creeping into my mind, and I try to push them away, but they keep coming back...

I don't know what to do with myself.  I feel numb... and I hate it...

 (Sad I know... Not seeking pity with this picture...just... yeah.)

In other, less sad, news: Today I was told I looked hot. Twice. 

(Booyah!)

Ugh...

This has been my last fortnight. (that's two weeks, for those that don't know... I love being able to use that word)

Stress sucks... You know what makes it worse? Waiting for an answer.

What's worse than that? Finding the answer.

Melancholy: Better Than You May Think

I have found a new place that I can be alone with my thoughts.  It lets me be in my melancholy mood.  I don't usually let others see this mood. I'm usually highly energetic, always laughing and poking fun at life.  So when I get in this mood others act really strange around me.

Believe me when I say this: I like this mood.

When I'm feeling melancholy, I delve into my imagination.  Further than I ever usually go.  I can't stay in this mode too long because it is depressing.  I tend to wish my false reality that I dream up would come true... But it would never happen... But I love the fact that it exists in my head.  When I become melancholy I allow myself to just let go of reality, just for a little while, and be exactly what I want to be.

Others don't understand it. I don't expect them to

.

I know that if I stay in this state too long, it can be incredibly unhealthy.  So I've singled out my melancholy to one specific spot.  I think it fits for me, considering it's an area where almost nothing but imagination can take place.

If you find it, and find me there, you're welcome to stay. Just know I'll act different.

It is a sad mood; sometimes I just want to be sad.

(Look up this personality type, it explains me and exactly what I'm talking about)

Only Read This if You Are Not Yet Annoyed By My Josh Rants

GOOD FUCK I HATE THIS!  He was fucking cast as a fucking lead for Starlight! (yes I am ranting about this now, yes I am being quite stupid about this, yes the rant will be self-hating and possibly depressing... I'm pissed off, deal with it) No one else has been cast yet, but he, in his all Godly talent, (sarcastic seethe) managed to land a LEAD!  Not to mention they want to give him another one of the main characters in one of the other fucking plays. The worst part about this? I was right fucking next to him when he found out! I HEARD THE DAMN THING HAPPEN!!!!!  (angry whisper) I had to hold myself back so as to not attack him out of a sheer jealous rage.  I am being so incredibly and inexcusably stupid right now, I should not be acting like this. Frankly I am embarrassed with myself for how I'm treating this situation. (he's my friend, I should be happy for him... but instead I'm loathing him for it... I'm an idiotic wreck) It's ridiculous that I'm even typing this right now!  I just need to put it down somewhere, anywhere really. 

I have been told I have nothing to be jealous of when it comes to Josh.  I disagree. I HAVE A SHIT TON TO BE JEALOUS OF!!! (I'm just a teensy bit over dramatic about it... or I just talk about it too much...) I have completely lost faith in myself. Yes, I know that there is still a chance I'll be cast in Starlight. But I think that most (all) of my hope has been drained away.  (I need a shoulder to cry on, but I'm a little too proud to admit it out loud, and I don't want to waste anyone's time with my own problems...) I don't know what's wrong with me.  I know that theatre is what I want to do with my life, but am I good enough for it?  ...I don't know how to answer that question anymore...

Fuck.

(Me, right now)

Today has been a really shitty day. Sorry for the profanity.

...I'll try to be more positive later. I promise.

In Other Words, Improv...

Regardless of how I felt about my Spring Break there was one redeeming quality of the vacation: The Improv.

It was spectacular! I've seen quite a bit of improv in my life, but the shows that I saw this week are the best that I have ever seen. 

I even got to see a main stage performance in iO west. I had an improvgasm.  There is no other word to explain the feeling.  (The owner of the place snuck me in to see the show because you have to be 21 to go in... but he really liked me and my improv and wanted me to see his group. Fuck Yeah!)

Improv. It was beautiful.

(I saw this and laughed unusually hard...)

Rantception

This week I had a completely unexpected trip to California.  I was happy for it.  And I'm very glad I went...  for the most part...  Don't get me wrong, I greatly enjoyed not having to stay alone in Cedar... just... Okay let me explain:

(Begin rant 1) This Monday one of my best friends from high school asked if I wanted to take a trip to L.A. for Spring Break.  I, being desperate for something to do, said yes instantly.  Now, this friend, she has been one of my closest friends for quite a while. She actually was the person who got me started doing improv. (so yeah, she's kind of important in my life) Thus, (I just used "thus" in a sentence...) I was very excited to go to L.A. home of two of America's greatest improv venues: iO West and The Second City.
The fact that I was going with my best friend: Awesome.
No parents/authority figures: Great.
Realizing that me and my friend have grown quite far apart: Suckish.
It's sad.  What's sadder? She didn't realize that anything was wrong.  It caused quite the awkward trip.  We still had fun.... I just didn't have as much fun as I thought I would.  As the trip went on, I began to question myself as to why we had grown apart.  One thought came very quickly to my head.  Her boyfriend... who she wouldn't stop texting... for even one moment.

(Enter Rant 2) I HATE HER BOYFRIEND! I mean it. I hate 

Justin Blank Blankblank. (I added the blanks, that's not

 actually his full name) I hate him with every fiber of my being.

(Now the short, but totally necessary, Rant 3) I don't

hate people.  I don't like to at least. I feel that hate is 

an emotion that shouldn't exist in this world. That is not

saying that I'm a "love all people completely an utterly"

hippie kind of guy.  I still dislike people.  I just don't 

hate them.  It's not really necessary.  And hate only 

leads to suffering (If you named the movie that that

 was from, and you're a girl; marry me. Now.(It was 

Star Wars, by the way)) So, yeah... for me to say I hate

 some one, it's kind of a big deal. To me. (Close Rant)

(Return Rant 2) This man is an ass. He's a jerk to my friend.

And to me.  He's also in the theatre department. (He's not very

good... at all.) So of course he has to critique me. In everything.

When I don't ask for it. I don't understand why they are even 

dating.  He doesn't treat her like she needs to be treated.

He puts down all of her ideas, makes her drive him everywhere,

(lazy bum) mooches off all her cash, and, the worst of all,

hates improv and tries to get her to stop doing it. (she loves 

improv, it's not just me overreacting)

(Rant 4) I do not have any 

feelings for my friend. 

(don't deny it, I know you

 thought about it) She's just

my friend, and that is all she

 will ever be. You know, 

she's that one friend that you

 would never dream of

dating because you know

 them way too well. So,

Yeah... (End Rant 4)

(Back to Rant 2) So overall, I really hate this man and

the effect he has on my friend.  Sadly, I am way too nice

to actually say anything to her about him.  (pathetic? I think yes)

He's changed her quite a lot, and I really don't like it.

(Close Rant 2)

(Finally back to Rant 1) After I thought about that single reason, I realized the one true reason. We've both changed. It's weird to think that only a year ago, everything between us was fine.  But I guess that's the way that life is. (End Rant 1)

I still had fun. I am glad I spent the time with my friend. I am sad that it's probably one of the last times we'll really spend time together.  But it's okay. I know that we'll still be friends, and that we can still have fun together. It just won't be exactly the same....

Now I just need to wait for her to realize this too...

(The picture is sappy and quite girly, I know. I just can't get that little song out of my head... If you don't know what song I'm talking about, you never saw the television of my childhood.  Too bad for you.)

Smile Frank, Smile.

I've been rather depressed lately, so I went on the internet and found pictures. Anything that made me laugh I saved to my computer. This is what I found:

I need to remind myself to smile more often. It's nice.

Green is Not My Color

I'M JEALOUS!  And I'm ashamed of it... Because I really shouldn't be.  But I am.  I have many good qualities, but I don't focus on them.  Instead I look at all of my lesser qualities. It's a little bit masochistic. Okay, a lot a bit masochistic.  Who am I jealous of? Well... I have a list... (Sad, right? You know what's sadder? The fact that I'm going to put this list on a blog post.)

• People in couples
• The other members of Off the Cuff
• The upper class-men in the department
• Most of my peers
• My older brother
• Anyone that is doing anything for Spring Break
• People who are taking a class from MELINDA FREAKING VAUGHN!!!! (She's that big of a deal)
• People who do well in Costume Construction class
• Any person with a slight skill in any type of dancing
• People who got call backs for USF
• Flexible people
• People that are in better shape than me
• And (the one I hate myself for most of all) Josh...

The fact that this list consists of more than 3 items (it's 13... I counted) is, frankly, ridiculous.  I'm especially mad at myself for the last item on this list.  I don't understand it.  He's one of my best friends in the department yet I have this horrible, biting jealousy for him.  He's pretty much good at everything that I want to be good at.  Everything! I hate it.  I can't help but feel jealous.  The main thing that gets to me is this: he's good with women.  I am not. (Most definitely not)  He doesn't even try. It fucking just HAPPENS for him!

You know the worst part about this jealousy is right now? ...He's single. ...Well shit. How the hell can I compete with that?
I'm being quite stupid about this, I know. But I just can't help it...

I'm being an idiot, and I need to stop.

Well, I've Never Said No to Flattery...

I have a fan club.  

It's cool to think about... until you realize that they are all middle school children... then it's creepy.  

It's a nice little confidence boost though.  I've been needing one of those.

And it's not a bad thing.

Just odd...

...But everyone likes flattery.

yeah...

Nothing Can Ruin a Friday

I have a lot of things that have been troubling me lately:

• I'm having extreme amounts of jealousy towards a good friend
• My current friend-zone rate is at 100%
• I'm feeling quite depressed
• I'm doubting my own abilities
• I have a terrible self-image
• I'm still living at home
• I'm lonely
• I hate my job
• Waiting for audition results is killing me
• The initial confidence that I had at the beginning of the semester has vanished completely
• I'm allowing my emotions to crush me
• People make me angry
• My older brother and I haven't talked pleasantly in over 4 months
• Costume Construction
• Girls I like end up being attracted to my friend rather than me (see first item)

Despite all of these things, today, I'm happy.  Why? Because today, this wonderful day, I get to improvise.  I get to forget about everything that is bothering me and have two, glorious hours of performance.

Improv is my stress relief.  Weird, I know.  ("His stress relief is putting himself in a state of complete vulnerability? What a weirdo...")  Yes. Yes I am.  I like feeling that vulnerable because I'm never that way around others.  I don't show my true emotions to everyone all the time and I usually lock them inside of myself.  But not when I improvise.  I get to release every thought, feeling, musing, rant, and scream that I usually want to give throughout the week without any bad consequences.  NO ONE will judge it.  EVERYONE will love watching it. It's liberating.  And this liberating feeling: it's mine, and not a single person, no matter how good-looking, charming, well-liked, pretty, rich, kind, mean, unpleasant, passive aggressive, depressing, or talented they are, can take it away from me.

I love improv. I'm kind of obsessed.






 Improv is my chocolate.