Wednesday, February 29, 2012

My First Word Vomit

I've been in a rather depressing/self-hating mood lately so, yeah... here's my word vomit:

I’m not really good at flirting; at least, when I’m trying to flirt. I don’t get how people *cough* Josh *cough* can naturally do it so fucking well. Every time I try I just end up feeling hopelessly awkward.  So then I close up and get in my head.  How the hell do you practice flirting so you don’t make a fool out of yourself?  I think I only feel awkward because the girl doesn’t flirt back… because I’ve been friend-zoned… how do I get the girl to flirt back?   …I look like I’m 12.  I want to look older.  Maybe that’s why.  I look (and act) more like a younger brother to girls.  That would explain the lack of romantic interest the female population has for me.  I’m just weird… and awkward… and an idiot.  Sometimes I get the feeling that people don’t actually want to be around me but they’re too nice to say so. Okay not sometimes, all the time.  I kind of just show up and awkwardly follow people around. Then I just stand silently in conversations because I’m not exactly that interesting. So I look and feel out of place.  Then I try to say something and no one really listens to me… so I just stay silent the rest of the time because my thoughts were confirmed: no one actually cares …great.  I’m not really assertive.  I need to change that.  Stupid.  I’m constantly afraid of losing these new friends I have made.  At least, I’m pretty sure we’re friends… it’s not like many people really go out of their way to hang out with me…  I hate my life.  I’m just lonely, all the fucking time.  It’s great when I end up hanging out with people, but they can’t hang out all the time; I shouldn’t expect that of them.  I want to be the center of someone’s attention.  Just one person… is that too much to ask?  I’m going to be so depressed during spring break.  Everyone is probably leaving. I haven’t been invited to do anything, because no one seems to want me around right now… or ever. So I’m going to be stuck at home… hating everything.  I’m praying for that outcome to change. But it probably won’t. Why? Because life sucks, that’s why.  

And now a funny picture, to cancel out the negative: