A Picture

Sometimes, I kind of feel like this ^

Dancing

So I'm in this musical....

And I like it.  And it's funny. And it gives me a chance to perform. And it's keeping me busy. And I get to be in a fun cast.

...And I have to dance.

I'm a shitty dancer. (don't start your "you can't be that bad" speeches, just watch me; you'll agree) Our choreographer is an excellent dancer. (understatement) So, yeah...

...The dances are hard.

Tatem is really nice to me while she teaches me the dances. (Yay, encouragement!) But it doesn't exactly make me dance better.  I mostly just become much more aware of how painful it is for the eye to see my body awkwardly attempting to contort itself to the rhythm of each song. (That sentence was... wordy...) Believe me: It's pretty bad.  I blame genetics.  My Dad sucks too.  We both handle dancing in the same way...

By not dancing.

I get how the dances are supposed to work.  My brain knows exactly what it should be doing.  It's the rest of me that doesn't understand.   (that makes absolutely no sense... oh well)  Maybe that comes with experience and practice.... like Math!  Or it doesn't and you actually need a slight amount of talent... like every choice of career that I want to take in my life.

I kind of wish that I was forced to take dance classes when I was little. Instead I was forced into flag football.  (Mom, Dad, I love you guys, but the fact that I spent more time picking the grass than playing the sport, (while I was on the field, mind you) should have given you a slight hint of my future.  Just saying...)

I'm working on my dance skills.  I know people that can dance, and they'll help me.

Let's hope I can be helped.

 

(I noticed that I use the left margin a lot......... just an observation)

Insanity

I'm going crazy.  

.....No, seriously, I am.

To be completely honest, this summer has really (really really really) sucked so far. (there were maybe 4 or 5 good days) To start off, basically everybody dropped off the face of the earth the moment that May started.  I was expecting this. What I wasn't expecting was how isolated I ended up feeling.  I didn't really hear much from anybody. (I'm not mad at people for this, it was just... a strange shift)  And there was absolutely nothing to distract me.  I got a random text every once in a (long) while, but for the most part, I was stuck on facebook.  

I now dislike facebook.

I really hate it now. All you do is watch a fucking stream of posts and wish you were doing what your friends were doing at that moment.  It had become a constant reminder of how no one was around.

So naturally I've spent most of my time on it.

I get way too excited when I see that I have a notification.  'Maybe it's someone who sent you a message!' 'Maybe you were invited to something!' 'Maybe you just won the fucking lottery!' No.  None of those things happened.  It was a game request.  A fucking game request.  

Facebook needs to make a game that YOU DON'T NEED OTHER PEOPLE!

Also, I think that facebook made a HUGE mistake with showing when a person viewed your chat message.  There used to be the benefit of the doubt that people didn't ignore you, they just haven't looked at it yet.

Now I know better.

Now I know that I was just ignored. That pisses me off. It shouldn't, but it does.  It especially pissed me off recently.  I was given some possibly good information about an audition.  But I have NO FUCKING CLUE what I have to do to get it. All I know is that it exists.  I asked what I had to do. And the person has definitely seen the message... and hasn't responded.  It's driving me nuts. Really nuts. (Who told me of this  audition, and currently has that audition?  3 guesses.... I don't even want to say it. So I won't.) I just want to know if I really can get this audition or not. Is that wrong? (the answer is no... in case you were wondering)

So the other thing that has made me slightly crazy.  My older brother is home for the weekend.

Fuck.

He just knows what exactly to say to make me feel absolutely HORRIBLE!  I already have a terrible self image.  I don't need anyone to comment on how I'm not muscular, need a girlfriend, have only kissed one person, still live at home, et cetera, et cetera, fucking et cetera... (bet you weren't expecting ACTUAL LATIN in a blog post) 

Positive moment:  Less than ONE WEEK until Shelly and Selena get back to Cedar. 

...hopefully I'll make it.

I've Been Doing This Too Much...

Thoughts

I've secretly always wanted to be put into the Witness Protection Program.  (Yeah I realize your life has to be put in danger and stuff.... but still)  It would be interesting.  You basically get to start over. Completely.  You even get a new name.  I'm pretty sure it would never happen to me, but it's still something I think about.  What would I do with a blank slate?  How would I handle it?  Would I end up in a better or worse place than I am now?

There are so many things I want to change about myself, a chance to change who I am is well.... enticing. (I am grateful for what I have right now, I'm not complaining.  It's just a thought.)

There have been a few movies about people switching bodies, brains, personalities, lives, etc...  That's something else I've always thought about.  If I were to switch with someone, what would I do?  Well, I guess that depends on the person I switch with.  I can think of a few people I'd like to switch with..... eyup. (pop sound at the "p")  I heard a song (mostly because Josh never stopped singing it) about a guy who wanted someone else's life.  The song has been stuck in my head since... um... like... mid April.  Yeah.... So I've put a lot of thought into that idea.

I think what I really want is a change. Something that will give people a different opinion of me.  (It's odd, I know... most people generally like me... I don't want to be disliked.  Sometimes I just want ....different.)