BFA(sshole)

I got into the BFA.  I am now a Big Fucking Actor.  And I kind of feel like shit about it.  ...I don't feel like I deserved it. I pretty much feel like I got the good side of favoritism.

My issue with favoritism:

• In high school, my drama teacher loved me.  She was absolutely crazy about me.  So I got parts in plays.... Without really even trying....  I HATE THAT!  I never felt accomplished about my auditions.  My senior year, I was able to go to the UTA conference with my school.  They had auditions for colleges there that seniors could go to.  My school could only take three seniors.  So my teacher held auditions for the seniors to get one of the three slots.  Four of us tried out.  We got to watch each others auditions.  Three of us (including me) got the slots.  The best actress out of all of us did not get the slot.  Why? She wasn't a favorite.  She had a BRILLIANT audition; some of the greatest acting I have ever seen. (including after seeing some of the acting in college)  I was going to let her have my spot, but I didn't.  I'm still mad at myself for that. I felt like I wasn't talented and I was riding off of being liked by a teacher. 

This is how I feel right now.  Peter likes me. I spend time in his office. (not to suck up, I hate being that guy) I feel like I got in purely because of that factor... There are a ton more people that put more work into it and deserved it more than I did... Or at least that's how I feel about it. 

I probably sound like an ungrateful bastard right now.

Friends say I got in because I worked hard... But still......meh.

I hope this is why I got it. I REALLY hope so....

An Experiment

I've recently been working a lot on a play called Body Image.  What's it about? (Three guesses...)

...body image. (if you actually took three guesses, hit the little red "X" on the corner of the screen, the rest of this blog is way too smart for you...)

I've been having a lot of issues with my own confidence, self image, self worth, etc...  And frankly, (love that word) I'm sick of it.  Now I know that this isn't something that I can simply just wish away.   So I'm going to try something.  I have a full-body mirror.   I am going to make a list of everything I like or dislike about myself. (Yay, list! Natalie, you have made me into a list fan...) I don't know how this is going to make me feel, but I just want to get my thoughts out of my head and out to somewhere.  (These may consist of just how I look or I may go more deeply into my personal thoughts that I like and dislike.... it's an adventure.)

• I like how my hair looks right now
• I like that I have a widow's peak
• I hate how my acne confines itself to just my forehead
• I hate how big my nose is
• I hate my mexi-stache
• I like that facial hair is making me look older
• I hate that my cheeks aren't filling in and that I'm pretty much stuck with a chin strap
• I like that I don't get a horrible neck beard
• I think my ears, although slightly off balance, look good
• I like how thick my eyebrows are
• I hate that it could become a uni-brow without proper taming
• I have nice cheek bones
• I wish I had blue or green eyes
• I wish I had blonde or at least lighter hair
• I wish I were about a foot taller
• My lips don't look that bad
• I like that I can make funny shapes with my tongue
• I can cock my right eyebrow... it's awesome
• I hate how desperate I am for attention
• I hate how thin my arms are
• I need to work out more
• I like that I have an x body shape
• I hate that I bite my fingers into oblivion
• I hate that I'm not muscular
• I hate when I sit down that my belly wrinkles up and looks flabby
• I hate that I'm not really that strong compared to other men
• I love how fast of a sprinter I am
• I'm good at being hard to catch (I'm like slippery or something...)
• I hate my gigantic, Puerto-Rican, ass
• I hate how weird that last item sounds being that I'm a man
• My calves look good when I flex them
• I need to tan my legs, I've been wearing jeans too long
• I hate the callouses on my toes because shoes don't fit me well
• I hate how rough my ankles are
• I have a nice dark tan
• But I wish I had lighter skin
• I hate being 5 foot 7
• I want a better vocal range
• My voice is too high sounding
• I wish I could get rid of the random scars I've acquired over the years
• My neck looks good
• I hate how awkward I make myself around girls
• I love how easily I can make a friend
• I hate how idiotic I can be to my friends
• I hate how I've stopped truly caring for everything
• I love how well I can perceive emotion
• I hate that I've learned to use that against people
• I love how funny and witty I have become
• I hate how much I dwell on my past
• I hate how jealous I get of people
• I want to be more assertive
• I want my own sense of fashion, not my older brother's
• I wish I looked good in leather
• I want all my dress shirts to be fitted
• I want cooler jeans
• I want a nice pair of running shoes
• I want a pair of gym shorts that doesn't look weird to me
• I need to work on my posture
• My shoulders are really tense
• I don't like the way I look
• I hate how I keep saying that
• I want to switch lives with other people
• I want what I cant have
• My teeth aren't that bad

I can't really think of anything else right now...
So... Yeah... I feel... a bit relaxed...? ....I guess...

On Women...

For a guy that has a 4 to 1 ratio on female to male friends I really have no idea how to work with women.

This is a problem.

When I say work I don't mean like a job, I mean like... well... you know... (awkward gesture) ...that.  And I know I have the ability to flirt and be entertaining, (in an attractive way...?) just when I'm not consciously trying to do it.

Also a problem.

I also think that I have fairly (extremely) high standards. (I'm kind of a shallow bastard) I like brunettes (usually) that are intelligent (always).  Meaning I want our conversations to be the opposite of this: 
"What kind of make-up should I wear today?" "That one" "Ok, (insert god-awful cutesie nickname here)!"
I want almost every conversation to contain more than three sentences and somehow end up quoting some famous, smart, dead person. Yeah (sexy) intelligence.  She also needs to be able to take my sarcasm.  I can be brutal.  And well... yes I'm a bit of an ass for saying this... I guess image isn't everything... but it's pretty damn well important.  I do not want a twig.  Curves are nice. Being shorter than me? A requirement. (Horrible? Probably. Practical? Definitely.) Being comfortable in their own skin is also nice.  Confidence. Yeah (sexy) confidence.  She must also be a nerd. An actual nerd. She needs to at least know D&D references.  THAT kind of nerd. Yeah (sexy) nerdness.

One more thing.

Nothing on this planet makes me more attracted to a girl than a really (really) hard head.  I want to argue... and lose.  I want a girl that has such a strong opinion on everything that she has to let it be known.  She needs to have a ridiculous amount of willpower.
So, I guess (know) my standards are high.

Again: problem.

So here's my issue.  There's this girl. (yes, story time) I don't really know her. But I figured: I have no luck with the girls I already know, why not try one I haven't really talked to yet?  So... yeah. She's in my voice and diction class... She's attractive. And sarcastic. And Attractive.  I first realized that i was interested in her on Friday. Yes, this past Friday.  I went into the Adam's to practice a monologue, and, at the exact same time, she did the same thing on the lower level.  We had a conversation.  For an hour. We probably would have kept going, except Josh heard my voice (it's distinctive and loud, apparently) and came up. (it's an outdoor theatre, it was bound to happen)  So right now you're probably thinking that I'm going to segue into yet another Josh rant...  You are correct! (it'll be short, I promise)  ...She's snogging him.

Problem.

It's for a scene.  I want it to stay that way.  I made sure Josh knows this.  Hopefully he keeps it that way.  (I know that he won't try anything but... things happen.) It's just a stage kiss (make-out) thingy.  I should be okay.  Regardless, I need to make a move... soon.  Here comes my next big thing. I have kissed a total of one (you read it right: one) girls. (I made it plural so it sounds like more... it doesn't) I don't count stage kisses; if I did, the total would be 4. 

A rather large problem.

Needless to say, I have a lack of experience. ("a lack of" means none whatsoever)  I don't know how to be a good kisser.  And if  do end up kissing this girl, (PLEASE GOD, PLEASE LET IT HAPPEN!!! ...cough) she now has Josh to compare me to. (30 something girls for experience... shit)  How do you get better? You kiss girls. (or practice on mannequins... but I don't think they can match my needs emotionally...)

Problems. Problems everywhere.

A good thing (ellipses, question mark): I am currently cast as a character in a piece called Body Image.  The first scene begins with a (rather extensive) make-out session.  The girl who I do it with is engaged. (awkward, but at least I know she has experience) So I'm getting practice. (this paragraph just took a turn for the creepy...) So far, if I were to take a test, I would fail.  Miserably.  (practice makes perfect...?) Enough of this.

So...

...how can you tell?  If a girl wants to kiss you? ........Anyone?  Thought so. 

You guessed it: problem.

(This is a post that I'd like comments on, for advice... so yeah... do that)  I am going to ask her out. (straitens back, confident gestures) I will. Yes. For sure. Yes.

Yes.

Wish me luck.

Paranoid Frank is Paranoid

I've been over-thinking and worrying about everything in my life lately:

• What if I'm not right for the roles I have recently been given?
• What if, after summer, people that I enjoy hanging out with don't want to hang out anymore?
• What if people start treating me differently?
• What if it looks like I'm just trying to copy my friend, rather than being myself? (We're similar, it's odd.)
• What if I don't get into the BFA? (I guess it's not that big of a deal, but still...)
• What if I change?
• What if the person I change into is someone who disgusts me?
• What if I'm starting to get annoying to others?
• What if my friends don't want me around them anymore now?
• What if I don't get a new job for the summer?
• What if I can't get over my confidence issues?
• What if I start getting jealous again? (Oh yeah, my jealousy has gone down since last I talked about it.)
• What if I lose control of myself?
• What if the side effects that I've read about happen? (Different story, for another time.)
• What if I'm not cared about?
• What if I lose my friends? (If you can't tell, I've been worrying about friendship... a lot.)
• What if I can't move out in the fall?
• What if I'm overreacting?
• What if something is wrong and I can't help it be right?
• What if I end up looking needy to people?
• What if I've been smothering my friends?
• What if I never get a girlfriend?
• What if I make the wrong choices? 
• What if my negative thoughts and emotions are right?

A lot of these worries seem ridiculous, I know.  But they exist. They keep creeping into my mind, and I try to push them away, but they keep coming back...

I don't know what to do with myself.  I feel numb... and I hate it...

 (Sad I know... Not seeking pity with this picture...just... yeah.)

In other, less sad, news: Today I was told I looked hot. Twice. 

(Booyah!)

Ugh...

This has been my last fortnight. (that's two weeks, for those that don't know... I love being able to use that word)

Stress sucks... You know what makes it worse? Waiting for an answer.

What's worse than that? Finding the answer.

Melancholy: Better Than You May Think

I have found a new place that I can be alone with my thoughts.  It lets me be in my melancholy mood.  I don't usually let others see this mood. I'm usually highly energetic, always laughing and poking fun at life.  So when I get in this mood others act really strange around me.

Believe me when I say this: I like this mood.

When I'm feeling melancholy, I delve into my imagination.  Further than I ever usually go.  I can't stay in this mode too long because it is depressing.  I tend to wish my false reality that I dream up would come true... But it would never happen... But I love the fact that it exists in my head.  When I become melancholy I allow myself to just let go of reality, just for a little while, and be exactly what I want to be.

Others don't understand it. I don't expect them to

.

I know that if I stay in this state too long, it can be incredibly unhealthy.  So I've singled out my melancholy to one specific spot.  I think it fits for me, considering it's an area where almost nothing but imagination can take place.

If you find it, and find me there, you're welcome to stay. Just know I'll act different.

It is a sad mood; sometimes I just want to be sad.

(Look up this personality type, it explains me and exactly what I'm talking about)

Only Read This if You Are Not Yet Annoyed By My Josh Rants

GOOD FUCK I HATE THIS!  He was fucking cast as a fucking lead for Starlight! (yes I am ranting about this now, yes I am being quite stupid about this, yes the rant will be self-hating and possibly depressing... I'm pissed off, deal with it) No one else has been cast yet, but he, in his all Godly talent, (sarcastic seethe) managed to land a LEAD!  Not to mention they want to give him another one of the main characters in one of the other fucking plays. The worst part about this? I was right fucking next to him when he found out! I HEARD THE DAMN THING HAPPEN!!!!!  (angry whisper) I had to hold myself back so as to not attack him out of a sheer jealous rage.  I am being so incredibly and inexcusably stupid right now, I should not be acting like this. Frankly I am embarrassed with myself for how I'm treating this situation. (he's my friend, I should be happy for him... but instead I'm loathing him for it... I'm an idiotic wreck) It's ridiculous that I'm even typing this right now!  I just need to put it down somewhere, anywhere really. 

I have been told I have nothing to be jealous of when it comes to Josh.  I disagree. I HAVE A SHIT TON TO BE JEALOUS OF!!! (I'm just a teensy bit over dramatic about it... or I just talk about it too much...) I have completely lost faith in myself. Yes, I know that there is still a chance I'll be cast in Starlight. But I think that most (all) of my hope has been drained away.  (I need a shoulder to cry on, but I'm a little too proud to admit it out loud, and I don't want to waste anyone's time with my own problems...) I don't know what's wrong with me.  I know that theatre is what I want to do with my life, but am I good enough for it?  ...I don't know how to answer that question anymore...

Fuck.

(Me, right now)

Today has been a really shitty day. Sorry for the profanity.

...I'll try to be more positive later. I promise.