Lists, Lists, and More Lists

Rather than making a series of posts that contain these lists; I thought it would just be easier to put them all down here! On one convenient post of lists!

Things I Love:

• Music
• Harry Potter
• Disney
• To be specific: The Hunchback of Notre Dame
• To be even more specific: The final note that Clopin sings in "The Bells of Notre Dame"
• The French Horn
• Oboes
• Acting
• Improv
• Improv
• Improv (Because 3 times is funny)
• My Friends
• Choirs
• SWITZERLAND!!!! (More happy than Disneyland)
• Showers
• Singing in showers
• Writing
• Star Wars
• Nerd Games
• Walking
• The point in the morning where the sun just came up, and no one is around
• Night time
• Thunderstorms
• Cooking
• Mary Poppins

Things I Hate:

• When an instrument is out of tune and someone DOESN'T FIX IT!
• Yelling
• People with the "Holier than Thou" attitude 
• My general appearance..... cough.
• Those tiny little scratches that don't need any medical attention, but sting like hell
• People who can't say things to my face
• Bugs. All of them. (Especially if they are anywhere near where I sleep at night.)
• Pickles
• Asking too many questions
• Impatience
• Ignorance
• Being alone
• Not having something to do
• Writer's block
• False hope
• Being ignored
• Being forgotten
• The phrase "Well I did think about inviting you, but I didn't end up doing so."
• Snow
• The moment you realize you are wrong in an argument
• Losing
• Playing basketball

Things I Want:

• Fame (who doesn't?)
• To look older
• Physical fitness (Working on it...)
• To move out
• Charisma (with well... women... when I'm actually trying)
• The ability to dance
• Someone that I feel I can talk to all the time, no matter what, for a long time
• A new wardrobe
• To be in a good Disney movie (none of that straight to T.V. shit)
• To be taken seriously
• To be seen as more than just comic relief
• Someone to discover the cure to Multiple Sclerosis
• Background music. All. The. Time.
• More male friends (Girls are fine... but I need to be... macho....? Sure, let's use that word)
• Children (not now, but at some point)
• People to GET FRICKEN BACK TO CEDAR! (Shelly, Josh, Selena, Natalie, Jane, Brie, Amanda, etc...)

Things I Need:

• Experience
• Money
• Time
• A healthier diet
• A place to move in to
• A better job than tutoring
• Medicine
• Gloves (so I stop killing my fingers)
• To find my ipod (I'm going a little bit crazy)
• A 3.8 to a 4.0 next semester

Fears:

• Deep water
• Spiders
• Overly-realistic masks
• Centipedes (Have you SEEN those things? It's like they crawled strait from HELL!)
• Losing people who I've become close to (in any way)

....I think that's about everything I wanted to list........... for now. (cackle)

Message In a Bottle

(Well, it's been a while, hasn't it?)

First of all: I absolutely love this song. (*Sings to self* Sendin' out an S.O.S... Sendin' out an S.O.S......) Don't know it? That's okay, you probably grew up in the 90's. (I did too, don't be ashamed)

I was recently asked to describe myself... using an object... (improv workshop....) After a good 56.7 seconds of contemplation, (I estimated the time, in case you were wondering) I came up with this answer: A bottle.

Yes. A bottle.

....I hold in a lot of my thoughts.  It's fairly unhealthy. I've recently come to a realization that I need to say what I really want to say to people....  Currently everyone is gone for the Summer, so I'm going to say these things on the internet, without using names, so I can keep people guessing as to who I'm "talking" to.  (I'll talk to actual people when they're actually around to listen.)

I've put the statements into categories, to make it easier.

To all the girls I have had or still have a crush on:

• I would drop everything to date you.  I've been saying this for 4 years.
• I like you, but I know we'd never date.
• Don't tell me that I can find some one, it's not making me feel better when I'm around you.
• I'm actually okay with the fact you friend-zoned me.
• You're a backstabbing, two-faced bitch. I don't know what I ever saw in you.  I'm glad nothing ever happened, you probably would have used me anyway.
• I'm a guy, you know. And I kind of fit those requirements you just told me.  .....nope? Not even gonna think about it? ...great.
• I tried doing the whole ignoring thing... it didn't work on you... wanna go to a movie?
• I'm not as good at that whole flirting thing as *ahem* others are.  So I make lots of jokes and get really sarcastic.  Sorry if I accidentally offended you.
• Every time you make a nerdy comment you become 10 times hotter. Please stop being in a relationship.

To my friends:

• "You seem really out of it today." Should be followed by the statement: "Want to talk about it?"
• When I say I'm not mad at you... I'm really not. But I will be if you keep being paranoid about it.
• If I ask to talk with you, and I seem serious, don't just blow me off.  It makes me feel worse.
• If I didn't text you back, it doesn't mean I hate you. It means that I'm a lazy person.
• I have ignored 3 calls.  It means I am not answering my phone today. Not that you have to call 11 more times.
• Thank you for listening to me.  You may think that you didn't really do anything, but you did.
• I am so incredibly jealous of you.... But you make me do everything I can to improve myself. Thanks.
• Lucky bastard.
• I'm asking you if you want to talk. If you don't that's fine, but don't get mad at me for not trying harder to get you to talk.
• I like the times where I don't have to say anything and still have fun.
• NO.
• I don't want to watch a movie with you and your significant other.
• You don't ever listen to me, yet you expect me to listen to you? Go fuck yourself.
• I lied to you. I'm really sorry.
• I lied to you. I'm not sorry at all.

To the general population:

• I have given up on people. Thank you man kind.
• I've stopped really caring about things... and that terrifies me.
• (Flips the Bird) SCREW YOU STARLIGHT MOUNTAIN THEATRE!!!
• Give me ALL the attention!
• I have very much begun to hate people. Thanks again man kind.

 There's a few more things I would like to say... but I think I'll keep them inside just a bit longer.

(Look up this song. It's catchy.)

An Experiment

I've recently been working a lot on a play called Body Image.  What's it about? (Three guesses...)

...body image. (if you actually took three guesses, hit the little red "X" on the corner of the screen, the rest of this blog is way too smart for you...)

I've been having a lot of issues with my own confidence, self image, self worth, etc...  And frankly, (love that word) I'm sick of it.  Now I know that this isn't something that I can simply just wish away.   So I'm going to try something.  I have a full-body mirror.   I am going to make a list of everything I like or dislike about myself. (Yay, list! Natalie, you have made me into a list fan...) I don't know how this is going to make me feel, but I just want to get my thoughts out of my head and out to somewhere.  (These may consist of just how I look or I may go more deeply into my personal thoughts that I like and dislike.... it's an adventure.)

• I like how my hair looks right now
• I like that I have a widow's peak
• I hate how my acne confines itself to just my forehead
• I hate how big my nose is
• I hate my mexi-stache
• I like that facial hair is making me look older
• I hate that my cheeks aren't filling in and that I'm pretty much stuck with a chin strap
• I like that I don't get a horrible neck beard
• I think my ears, although slightly off balance, look good
• I like how thick my eyebrows are
• I hate that it could become a uni-brow without proper taming
• I have nice cheek bones
• I wish I had blue or green eyes
• I wish I had blonde or at least lighter hair
• I wish I were about a foot taller
• My lips don't look that bad
• I like that I can make funny shapes with my tongue
• I can cock my right eyebrow... it's awesome
• I hate how desperate I am for attention
• I hate how thin my arms are
• I need to work out more
• I like that I have an x body shape
• I hate that I bite my fingers into oblivion
• I hate that I'm not muscular
• I hate when I sit down that my belly wrinkles up and looks flabby
• I hate that I'm not really that strong compared to other men
• I love how fast of a sprinter I am
• I'm good at being hard to catch (I'm like slippery or something...)
• I hate my gigantic, Puerto-Rican, ass
• I hate how weird that last item sounds being that I'm a man
• My calves look good when I flex them
• I need to tan my legs, I've been wearing jeans too long
• I hate the callouses on my toes because shoes don't fit me well
• I hate how rough my ankles are
• I have a nice dark tan
• But I wish I had lighter skin
• I hate being 5 foot 7
• I want a better vocal range
• My voice is too high sounding
• I wish I could get rid of the random scars I've acquired over the years
• My neck looks good
• I hate how awkward I make myself around girls
• I love how easily I can make a friend
• I hate how idiotic I can be to my friends
• I hate how I've stopped truly caring for everything
• I love how well I can perceive emotion
• I hate that I've learned to use that against people
• I love how funny and witty I have become
• I hate how much I dwell on my past
• I hate how jealous I get of people
• I want to be more assertive
• I want my own sense of fashion, not my older brother's
• I wish I looked good in leather
• I want all my dress shirts to be fitted
• I want cooler jeans
• I want a nice pair of running shoes
• I want a pair of gym shorts that doesn't look weird to me
• I need to work on my posture
• My shoulders are really tense
• I don't like the way I look
• I hate how I keep saying that
• I want to switch lives with other people
• I want what I cant have
• My teeth aren't that bad

I can't really think of anything else right now...
So... Yeah... I feel... a bit relaxed...? ....I guess...