BFA(sshole)

I got into the BFA.  I am now a Big Fucking Actor.  And I kind of feel like shit about it.  ...I don't feel like I deserved it. I pretty much feel like I got the good side of favoritism.

My issue with favoritism:

• In high school, my drama teacher loved me.  She was absolutely crazy about me.  So I got parts in plays.... Without really even trying....  I HATE THAT!  I never felt accomplished about my auditions.  My senior year, I was able to go to the UTA conference with my school.  They had auditions for colleges there that seniors could go to.  My school could only take three seniors.  So my teacher held auditions for the seniors to get one of the three slots.  Four of us tried out.  We got to watch each others auditions.  Three of us (including me) got the slots.  The best actress out of all of us did not get the slot.  Why? She wasn't a favorite.  She had a BRILLIANT audition; some of the greatest acting I have ever seen. (including after seeing some of the acting in college)  I was going to let her have my spot, but I didn't.  I'm still mad at myself for that. I felt like I wasn't talented and I was riding off of being liked by a teacher. 

This is how I feel right now.  Peter likes me. I spend time in his office. (not to suck up, I hate being that guy) I feel like I got in purely because of that factor... There are a ton more people that put more work into it and deserved it more than I did... Or at least that's how I feel about it. 

I probably sound like an ungrateful bastard right now.

Friends say I got in because I worked hard... But still......meh.

I hope this is why I got it. I REALLY hope so....

Paranoid Frank is Paranoid

I've been over-thinking and worrying about everything in my life lately:

• What if I'm not right for the roles I have recently been given?
• What if, after summer, people that I enjoy hanging out with don't want to hang out anymore?
• What if people start treating me differently?
• What if it looks like I'm just trying to copy my friend, rather than being myself? (We're similar, it's odd.)
• What if I don't get into the BFA? (I guess it's not that big of a deal, but still...)
• What if I change?
• What if the person I change into is someone who disgusts me?
• What if I'm starting to get annoying to others?
• What if my friends don't want me around them anymore now?
• What if I don't get a new job for the summer?
• What if I can't get over my confidence issues?
• What if I start getting jealous again? (Oh yeah, my jealousy has gone down since last I talked about it.)
• What if I lose control of myself?
• What if the side effects that I've read about happen? (Different story, for another time.)
• What if I'm not cared about?
• What if I lose my friends? (If you can't tell, I've been worrying about friendship... a lot.)
• What if I can't move out in the fall?
• What if I'm overreacting?
• What if something is wrong and I can't help it be right?
• What if I end up looking needy to people?
• What if I've been smothering my friends?
• What if I never get a girlfriend?
• What if I make the wrong choices? 
• What if my negative thoughts and emotions are right?

A lot of these worries seem ridiculous, I know.  But they exist. They keep creeping into my mind, and I try to push them away, but they keep coming back...

I don't know what to do with myself.  I feel numb... and I hate it...

 (Sad I know... Not seeking pity with this picture...just... yeah.)

In other, less sad, news: Today I was told I looked hot. Twice. 

(Booyah!)