Insanity

I'm going crazy.  

.....No, seriously, I am.

To be completely honest, this summer has really (really really really) sucked so far. (there were maybe 4 or 5 good days) To start off, basically everybody dropped off the face of the earth the moment that May started.  I was expecting this. What I wasn't expecting was how isolated I ended up feeling.  I didn't really hear much from anybody. (I'm not mad at people for this, it was just... a strange shift)  And there was absolutely nothing to distract me.  I got a random text every once in a (long) while, but for the most part, I was stuck on facebook.  

I now dislike facebook.

I really hate it now. All you do is watch a fucking stream of posts and wish you were doing what your friends were doing at that moment.  It had become a constant reminder of how no one was around.

So naturally I've spent most of my time on it.

I get way too excited when I see that I have a notification.  'Maybe it's someone who sent you a message!' 'Maybe you were invited to something!' 'Maybe you just won the fucking lottery!' No.  None of those things happened.  It was a game request.  A fucking game request.  

Facebook needs to make a game that YOU DON'T NEED OTHER PEOPLE!

Also, I think that facebook made a HUGE mistake with showing when a person viewed your chat message.  There used to be the benefit of the doubt that people didn't ignore you, they just haven't looked at it yet.

Now I know better.

Now I know that I was just ignored. That pisses me off. It shouldn't, but it does.  It especially pissed me off recently.  I was given some possibly good information about an audition.  But I have NO FUCKING CLUE what I have to do to get it. All I know is that it exists.  I asked what I had to do. And the person has definitely seen the message... and hasn't responded.  It's driving me nuts. Really nuts. (Who told me of this  audition, and currently has that audition?  3 guesses.... I don't even want to say it. So I won't.) I just want to know if I really can get this audition or not. Is that wrong? (the answer is no... in case you were wondering)

So the other thing that has made me slightly crazy.  My older brother is home for the weekend.

Fuck.

He just knows what exactly to say to make me feel absolutely HORRIBLE!  I already have a terrible self image.  I don't need anyone to comment on how I'm not muscular, need a girlfriend, have only kissed one person, still live at home, et cetera, et cetera, fucking et cetera... (bet you weren't expecting ACTUAL LATIN in a blog post) 

Positive moment:  Less than ONE WEEK until Shelly and Selena get back to Cedar. 

...hopefully I'll make it.

An Experiment

I've recently been working a lot on a play called Body Image.  What's it about? (Three guesses...)

...body image. (if you actually took three guesses, hit the little red "X" on the corner of the screen, the rest of this blog is way too smart for you...)

I've been having a lot of issues with my own confidence, self image, self worth, etc...  And frankly, (love that word) I'm sick of it.  Now I know that this isn't something that I can simply just wish away.   So I'm going to try something.  I have a full-body mirror.   I am going to make a list of everything I like or dislike about myself. (Yay, list! Natalie, you have made me into a list fan...) I don't know how this is going to make me feel, but I just want to get my thoughts out of my head and out to somewhere.  (These may consist of just how I look or I may go more deeply into my personal thoughts that I like and dislike.... it's an adventure.)

• I like how my hair looks right now
• I like that I have a widow's peak
• I hate how my acne confines itself to just my forehead
• I hate how big my nose is
• I hate my mexi-stache
• I like that facial hair is making me look older
• I hate that my cheeks aren't filling in and that I'm pretty much stuck with a chin strap
• I like that I don't get a horrible neck beard
• I think my ears, although slightly off balance, look good
• I like how thick my eyebrows are
• I hate that it could become a uni-brow without proper taming
• I have nice cheek bones
• I wish I had blue or green eyes
• I wish I had blonde or at least lighter hair
• I wish I were about a foot taller
• My lips don't look that bad
• I like that I can make funny shapes with my tongue
• I can cock my right eyebrow... it's awesome
• I hate how desperate I am for attention
• I hate how thin my arms are
• I need to work out more
• I like that I have an x body shape
• I hate that I bite my fingers into oblivion
• I hate that I'm not muscular
• I hate when I sit down that my belly wrinkles up and looks flabby
• I hate that I'm not really that strong compared to other men
• I love how fast of a sprinter I am
• I'm good at being hard to catch (I'm like slippery or something...)
• I hate my gigantic, Puerto-Rican, ass
• I hate how weird that last item sounds being that I'm a man
• My calves look good when I flex them
• I need to tan my legs, I've been wearing jeans too long
• I hate the callouses on my toes because shoes don't fit me well
• I hate how rough my ankles are
• I have a nice dark tan
• But I wish I had lighter skin
• I hate being 5 foot 7
• I want a better vocal range
• My voice is too high sounding
• I wish I could get rid of the random scars I've acquired over the years
• My neck looks good
• I hate how awkward I make myself around girls
• I love how easily I can make a friend
• I hate how idiotic I can be to my friends
• I hate how I've stopped truly caring for everything
• I love how well I can perceive emotion
• I hate that I've learned to use that against people
• I love how funny and witty I have become
• I hate how much I dwell on my past
• I hate how jealous I get of people
• I want to be more assertive
• I want my own sense of fashion, not my older brother's
• I wish I looked good in leather
• I want all my dress shirts to be fitted
• I want cooler jeans
• I want a nice pair of running shoes
• I want a pair of gym shorts that doesn't look weird to me
• I need to work on my posture
• My shoulders are really tense
• I don't like the way I look
• I hate how I keep saying that
• I want to switch lives with other people
• I want what I cant have
• My teeth aren't that bad

I can't really think of anything else right now...
So... Yeah... I feel... a bit relaxed...? ....I guess...

On Women...

For a guy that has a 4 to 1 ratio on female to male friends I really have no idea how to work with women.

This is a problem.

When I say work I don't mean like a job, I mean like... well... you know... (awkward gesture) ...that.  And I know I have the ability to flirt and be entertaining, (in an attractive way...?) just when I'm not consciously trying to do it.

Also a problem.

I also think that I have fairly (extremely) high standards. (I'm kind of a shallow bastard) I like brunettes (usually) that are intelligent (always).  Meaning I want our conversations to be the opposite of this: 
"What kind of make-up should I wear today?" "That one" "Ok, (insert god-awful cutesie nickname here)!"
I want almost every conversation to contain more than three sentences and somehow end up quoting some famous, smart, dead person. Yeah (sexy) intelligence.  She also needs to be able to take my sarcasm.  I can be brutal.  And well... yes I'm a bit of an ass for saying this... I guess image isn't everything... but it's pretty damn well important.  I do not want a twig.  Curves are nice. Being shorter than me? A requirement. (Horrible? Probably. Practical? Definitely.) Being comfortable in their own skin is also nice.  Confidence. Yeah (sexy) confidence.  She must also be a nerd. An actual nerd. She needs to at least know D&D references.  THAT kind of nerd. Yeah (sexy) nerdness.

One more thing.

Nothing on this planet makes me more attracted to a girl than a really (really) hard head.  I want to argue... and lose.  I want a girl that has such a strong opinion on everything that she has to let it be known.  She needs to have a ridiculous amount of willpower.
So, I guess (know) my standards are high.

Again: problem.

So here's my issue.  There's this girl. (yes, story time) I don't really know her. But I figured: I have no luck with the girls I already know, why not try one I haven't really talked to yet?  So... yeah. She's in my voice and diction class... She's attractive. And sarcastic. And Attractive.  I first realized that i was interested in her on Friday. Yes, this past Friday.  I went into the Adam's to practice a monologue, and, at the exact same time, she did the same thing on the lower level.  We had a conversation.  For an hour. We probably would have kept going, except Josh heard my voice (it's distinctive and loud, apparently) and came up. (it's an outdoor theatre, it was bound to happen)  So right now you're probably thinking that I'm going to segue into yet another Josh rant...  You are correct! (it'll be short, I promise)  ...She's snogging him.

Problem.

It's for a scene.  I want it to stay that way.  I made sure Josh knows this.  Hopefully he keeps it that way.  (I know that he won't try anything but... things happen.) It's just a stage kiss (make-out) thingy.  I should be okay.  Regardless, I need to make a move... soon.  Here comes my next big thing. I have kissed a total of one (you read it right: one) girls. (I made it plural so it sounds like more... it doesn't) I don't count stage kisses; if I did, the total would be 4. 

A rather large problem.

Needless to say, I have a lack of experience. ("a lack of" means none whatsoever)  I don't know how to be a good kisser.  And if  do end up kissing this girl, (PLEASE GOD, PLEASE LET IT HAPPEN!!! ...cough) she now has Josh to compare me to. (30 something girls for experience... shit)  How do you get better? You kiss girls. (or practice on mannequins... but I don't think they can match my needs emotionally...)

Problems. Problems everywhere.

A good thing (ellipses, question mark): I am currently cast as a character in a piece called Body Image.  The first scene begins with a (rather extensive) make-out session.  The girl who I do it with is engaged. (awkward, but at least I know she has experience) So I'm getting practice. (this paragraph just took a turn for the creepy...) So far, if I were to take a test, I would fail.  Miserably.  (practice makes perfect...?) Enough of this.

So...

...how can you tell?  If a girl wants to kiss you? ........Anyone?  Thought so. 

You guessed it: problem.

(This is a post that I'd like comments on, for advice... so yeah... do that)  I am going to ask her out. (straitens back, confident gestures) I will. Yes. For sure. Yes.

Yes.

Wish me luck.

Paranoid Frank is Paranoid

I've been over-thinking and worrying about everything in my life lately:

• What if I'm not right for the roles I have recently been given?
• What if, after summer, people that I enjoy hanging out with don't want to hang out anymore?
• What if people start treating me differently?
• What if it looks like I'm just trying to copy my friend, rather than being myself? (We're similar, it's odd.)
• What if I don't get into the BFA? (I guess it's not that big of a deal, but still...)
• What if I change?
• What if the person I change into is someone who disgusts me?
• What if I'm starting to get annoying to others?
• What if my friends don't want me around them anymore now?
• What if I don't get a new job for the summer?
• What if I can't get over my confidence issues?
• What if I start getting jealous again? (Oh yeah, my jealousy has gone down since last I talked about it.)
• What if I lose control of myself?
• What if the side effects that I've read about happen? (Different story, for another time.)
• What if I'm not cared about?
• What if I lose my friends? (If you can't tell, I've been worrying about friendship... a lot.)
• What if I can't move out in the fall?
• What if I'm overreacting?
• What if something is wrong and I can't help it be right?
• What if I end up looking needy to people?
• What if I've been smothering my friends?
• What if I never get a girlfriend?
• What if I make the wrong choices? 
• What if my negative thoughts and emotions are right?

A lot of these worries seem ridiculous, I know.  But they exist. They keep creeping into my mind, and I try to push them away, but they keep coming back...

I don't know what to do with myself.  I feel numb... and I hate it...

 (Sad I know... Not seeking pity with this picture...just... yeah.)

In other, less sad, news: Today I was told I looked hot. Twice. 

(Booyah!)

Ugh...

This has been my last fortnight. (that's two weeks, for those that don't know... I love being able to use that word)

Stress sucks... You know what makes it worse? Waiting for an answer.

What's worse than that? Finding the answer.

Green is Not My Color

I'M JEALOUS!  And I'm ashamed of it... Because I really shouldn't be.  But I am.  I have many good qualities, but I don't focus on them.  Instead I look at all of my lesser qualities. It's a little bit masochistic. Okay, a lot a bit masochistic.  Who am I jealous of? Well... I have a list... (Sad, right? You know what's sadder? The fact that I'm going to put this list on a blog post.)

• People in couples
• The other members of Off the Cuff
• The upper class-men in the department
• Most of my peers
• My older brother
• Anyone that is doing anything for Spring Break
• People who are taking a class from MELINDA FREAKING VAUGHN!!!! (She's that big of a deal)
• People who do well in Costume Construction class
• Any person with a slight skill in any type of dancing
• People who got call backs for USF
• Flexible people
• People that are in better shape than me
• And (the one I hate myself for most of all) Josh...

The fact that this list consists of more than 3 items (it's 13... I counted) is, frankly, ridiculous.  I'm especially mad at myself for the last item on this list.  I don't understand it.  He's one of my best friends in the department yet I have this horrible, biting jealousy for him.  He's pretty much good at everything that I want to be good at.  Everything! I hate it.  I can't help but feel jealous.  The main thing that gets to me is this: he's good with women.  I am not. (Most definitely not)  He doesn't even try. It fucking just HAPPENS for him!

You know the worst part about this jealousy is right now? ...He's single. ...Well shit. How the hell can I compete with that?
I'm being quite stupid about this, I know. But I just can't help it...

I'm being an idiot, and I need to stop.

My First Word Vomit

I've been in a rather depressing/self-hating mood lately so, yeah... here's my word vomit:

I’m not really good at flirting; at least, when I’m trying to flirt. I don’t get how people *cough* Josh *cough* can naturally do it so fucking well. Every time I try I just end up feeling hopelessly awkward.  So then I close up and get in my head.  How the hell do you practice flirting so you don’t make a fool out of yourself?  I think I only feel awkward because the girl doesn’t flirt back… because I’ve been friend-zoned… how do I get the girl to flirt back?   …I look like I’m 12.  I want to look older.  Maybe that’s why.  I look (and act) more like a younger brother to girls.  That would explain the lack of romantic interest the female population has for me.  I’m just weird… and awkward… and an idiot.  Sometimes I get the feeling that people don’t actually want to be around me but they’re too nice to say so. Okay not sometimes, all the time.  I kind of just show up and awkwardly follow people around. Then I just stand silently in conversations because I’m not exactly that interesting. So I look and feel out of place.  Then I try to say something and no one really listens to me… so I just stay silent the rest of the time because my thoughts were confirmed: no one actually cares …great.  I’m not really assertive.  I need to change that.  Stupid.  I’m constantly afraid of losing these new friends I have made.  At least, I’m pretty sure we’re friends… it’s not like many people really go out of their way to hang out with me…  I hate my life.  I’m just lonely, all the fucking time.  It’s great when I end up hanging out with people, but they can’t hang out all the time; I shouldn’t expect that of them.  I want to be the center of someone’s attention.  Just one person… is that too much to ask?  I’m going to be so depressed during spring break.  Everyone is probably leaving. I haven’t been invited to do anything, because no one seems to want me around right now… or ever. So I’m going to be stuck at home… hating everything.  I’m praying for that outcome to change. But it probably won’t. Why? Because life sucks, that’s why.  

And now a funny picture, to cancel out the negative: